Candace Against the Universe Read online

“…my Galactic-Travel-inator!” the doctor announced proudly. “You get inside it and it flies you up to and through space.”

  “You mean like a spaceship?” Isabella said.

  “Well, I suppose it is like a spaceship in that it operates exactly like, and performs the same functions as, a spaceship, but it’s an -inator,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz explained. “There’s a difference.”

  Everyone agreed that it didn’t matter what it was called as long as it could take them to Candace and Vanessa. So the group began loading supplies onto the spaceship-that-wasn’t-a-spaceship.

  No one saw the portal fire up one more time, and no one observed the platypus wearing a fedora emerge….

  The kids were still loading supplies onto Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s spaceship-that-wasn’t-a-spaceship when Isabella noticed a particularly weird-looking device and said, “Is that something we’re gonna need?”

  “Let’s just say that I’d rather have a device that makes things switch places with the nearest chicken and not need it than need one and not have it,” the doctor explained.

  “I’m with him on that,” Buford agreed as he carried a canoe aboard the ship-or-whatever-it-was.

  “Says the guy bringing a canoe into space,” Isabella replied.

  Hiding behind an -inator, Agent P used his secret wrist communicator to communicate with Major Monogram. Secretly.

  “Remember, you can’t reveal yourself as an agent to your host family, but you also can’t reveal yourself as their pet to Dr. Doofenshmirtz. I guess in retrospect, you are the single worst agent we could’ve sent on this mission,” Major Monogram said.

  The screen cut out, and Agent P rolled his eyes. Then he scrambled past an -inator and boarded the ship unseen.

  “Is there a barf bag on this thing, Doc?” Buford said. “I’m asking for a friend.”

  “All right, Operation: Save Candace and Vanessa is about to begin!” Phineas announced.

  The kids had boarded the it’s-obviously-a-spaceship with Dr. Doofenshmirtz, along with all their supplies, like the canoe and the thing that replaced chickens. Isabella looked at Phineas and pressed the ignition button. The ship (it’s definitely a ship) shook and rumbled as it began to lift off from the balcony. Flames from the rocket engines seared the building, setting it on fire.

  “Oh, no!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said, looking out the window at the fire. “Okay, that was poor planning. That was on me. But so fun to be traveling into outer space with a bunch of kids who teleported into my house with no adult supervision. What are all your names again?”

  Candace and Vanessa emerged from their pod, cautiously walking down the hallway of the alien mother ship. They passed pod after pod, looking inside.

  “Empty…empty…empty,” Candace said quietly. “Are we the only ones they abducted?”

  Before Vanessa could answer, they heard footsteps coming their way on the metallic floor. The girls ducked into an alcove just in time to avoid being seen by a shadowy figure. The footsteps faded away, and Candace let out a sigh of relief. She tilted her head as she spotted something on the wall she hadn’t seen before. It looked like a touch screen map of the mother ship.

  “I wish we could read these weird markings,” Candace said.

  A computer voice said, “English detected. Would you like me to change the map settings to English?”

  “Oh, yes!” Candace said enthusiastically.

  At once, the text on the map reconfigured itself until it was all in English.

  “Computer, how do we escape from this ship?” Candace asked.

  “Adding ‘thin chips’ to your shopping list,” the computer responded.

  “No, no, no, no. I said ‘escape the ship,’” Candace repeated.

  “Playing ‘Cape Lip’ by Lil’ Gorbinox,” the computer replied.

  Music started to play, and Candace shrugged.

  She read aloud from the map. “Engine room…sick bay…Ooh! Smoothie bar!”

  “Focus,” Vanessa urged her.

  “Sorry,” Candace said.

  Then she saw a section that said ESCAPE PODS.

  Candace pressed a button on the wall, and an elevator opened. At least, she thought it was an elevator. There was no elevator car inside. It was just a long shaft with a ladder on the side.

  With no other choice but to climb down, Vanessa entered the shaft, followed by Candace.

  “You know, I’m still blaming Phineas and Ferb for this,” Candace said.

  “How so, exactly?” Vanessa asked.

  “Well, if I hadn’t been thinking about how they ruined my life, I might have seen that this came from outer space and therefore was not one of their inventions.”

  “Yeah, that makes complete sense,” Vanessa said, meaning exactly the opposite.

  At last, they reached the bottom of the mother ship. The girls were surrounded by twenty or so escape pods that ringed the circular wall. Vanessa remained at the door to make sure no one was coming while Candace checked out the room.

  “Okay, I found the escape pods,” she said.

  “Opening escape pods,” the computer replied.

  With a whoosh, an escape pod opened.

  There was another noise: footsteps, this time above them. Vanessa turned her head and saw shadows moving in an opening above.

  Aliens!

  “We’ve got to go now!” Vanessa said, hitting a button on the touch screen. She jumped into an escape pod.

  “Wait, there’s only room for—” Vanessa started.

  “You take this one,” Candace said. They could hear the aliens descending the ladder tube. “I’ll be right behind you. See you back on Earth!” Then she leaned into the control panel. “Computer, launch the escape pod.”

  “Launching all escape pods,” the computer said.

  Suddenly, the hatches on all the escape pods closed and they ejected into space!

  “According to my calculations, we are on course to reach the planet in forty-seven minutes at our current velocity,” Baljeet said.

  Baljeet and Ferb were busy reading a star chart, trying to get their navigational bearings. Isabella and Dr. Doofenshmirtz were sitting in the pilot and copilot seats while Phineas stood behind them.

  Buford was doing tricks with his yo-yo.

  A light on the dashboard began to flash, and then came a THWOCK! sound as something hit the ship’s hull.

  “What was that?” Phineas asked.

  “Oh, no!” Baljeet said. “We are entering an uncharted asteroid field!”

  Everyone strapped in as Isabella and Dr. Doofenshmirtz grabbed the controls.

  Behind them, unnoticed by everyone, Agent P hid behind the bulkhead. He moved quickly into the ship’s air lock and put on a pressure suit. Then he entered the cold void of space.

  Attached to the ship via tether, Agent P used his trusty jet pack to maneuver toward a humongous asteroid that was on a collision course with the ship.

  Firing his grappling hook, Agent P hit the huge asteroid. Then, using his momentum, he managed to swing it toward another asteroid.

  THWOCK!

  THWOCK!

  But yet another asteroid was coming right for him! Thinking fast, Agent P deployed his emergency parachute. Using it like a gigantic sling, he caught the asteroid and deflected it from the ship.

  “Wow, it’s like the Fourth of July out there,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz observed.

  “Somehow we’re missing all the asteroids,” Isabella said, noticing the curious fact that a lot of the huge rocks seemed to be avoiding them. But how was that possible?

  “Hey, everybody—look!” Buford shouted.

  Everyone shifted their attention toward Buford, who was holding his yo-yo, swinging it back and forth in a configuration of string. “Cat’s cradle!” he said proudly. “It’s the first time I’ve ever been able to do this!”

  “Hey, we’re out of the asteroid field!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said brightly.

  Agent P clung to the back of the ship, asteroids now safely behind them. He sc
ampered to the air lock, went inside the ship, and closed the hatch.

  “Uh-oh,” Vanessa said, looking through the small window on her escape pod. “That does not look like Earth.”

  The reason it didn’t look like Earth was that it was not. It was the planet Feebla-Oot.

  Vanessa braced herself as the escape pod entered the planet’s atmosphere. At last it came to a stop on the ground, and the hatch opened.

  Dusting herself off, Vanessa exited the pod.

  “I guess Candace should be coming right behind me,” she said hopefully.

  As if on cue, a fleet of escape pods thundered down from the sky. They were heading right for her. Vanessa screamed and sprinted as fast as she could. The last one landed only inches away from her.

  “Candace?” Vanessa asked as the escape pod popped open.

  But there was no one inside.

  A loud rumble caught her attention, and Vanessa’s eyes drifted skyward. She saw the mother ship as it entered Feebla-Oot’s atmosphere and set down on a landing pad connected to a fortress in the distance.

  “What good are escape pods if they take you to the planet you’re trying to escape from?” Vanessa wondered aloud.

  Candace was marched down the ramp of the mother ship by the aliens.

  “Where are you taking me?” she asked.

  They stopped in front of a large door. A voice called from inside. “Just come on in!”

  The aliens escorted Candace into a room where a large, impressive-looking alien sat.

  “Come here,” said the alien. “Let me get a look at you. You are spectacular. Where are my manners? I’m Super Super Big Doctor.”

  “Is that…is that a title?” Candace asked. “Or your…”

  “It’s a common enough name in our language,” Super Super Big Doctor said defensively. “I mean, it’s not Eegblat or Boat Jelly, but it’s a name you hear.”

  “Oh…uh, nice to meet you,” Candace said. “My name’s Candace.”

  At the mention of her name, a collective gasp filled the room.

  “What did I say?” Candace asked, confused.

  “Ooh, sorry,” Super Super Big Doctor said. “In our language, ‘candace’ is the noise someone makes when they explode from the waist up.”

  “I’m sorry, does that happen often enough that you—” Candace started.

  “What matters is we found you,” Super Super Big Doctor said, cutting her off. “And you are the Chosen One!

  “We have spent years searching the galaxy for Remarkalonium, a rare element we desperately need. And our instruments tell us that that element simply emanates from you. You, Candy Cane—can I call you Candy Cane?—just by existing, you are saving our planet.”

  Candace blushed. “Okay, this is amazing! And just to be clear—this ‘saving the world’ thing doesn’t involve offering me as a human sacrifice?”

  Super Super Big Doctor chuckled. “Well, somebody’s paranoid.”

  “Sorry, it’s—it’s just…I’ve always felt the universe was against me. I have these annoying little brothers who always get away with everything,” Candace said.

  “Shut…up!” Super Super Big Doctor exclaimed. “I grew up with annoying little brothers, too! Always messing around, getting away with everything. But I’m supposed to be in charge!”

  “Yes!” Candace cried. “Exactly! And not just conditionally!”

  “That’s why I came to this planet,” Super Super Big Doctor said. “And now I really am in charge. It’s perfection.”

  “Wow,” Candace said, her eyes widening. “Maybe the universe isn’t against me.”

  “Welcome to Feebla-Oot,” Super Super Big Doctor said. “All hail the Chosen One!”

  “All hail the Chosen One!” shouted the assembled crowd of aliens.

  “Okay, we are approaching the ion barrier,” Baljeet said. “Activate your ion shield.”

  Dr. Doofenshmirtz looked at the controls. “We don’t have an ion shield,” he said. “We’re not fancy-shmancy.”

  “But we have to pass through an ion barrier to get to the planet,” Baljeet insisted. “If we go through the ion barrier without a shield, it could fry all of the electronics on the ship, rendering our navigation useless and stranding us in space.”

  “Well, there’s got to be a way through, right?” Phineas said.

  “No…” Baljeet said, his voice trailing off. “Wait a minute! In Episode 206B of Space Adventure, they were able to go through an ion barrier without a shield by spinning the USS Minotaur and scattering the ions as they went!”

  Isabella raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure that would work in real life….”

  “Well, I am sure that the writers of Space Adventure have a better grasp of astrophysics than you…or even me, because I do not see how the science would work, either,” Baljeet said. “Buuuut…Hold on!”

  Without warning, Baljeet grabbed the controls, forcing the ship into a spin, just like the USS Minotaur in episode whatever of Space Adventure.

  And apparently, the episode was right, and so was the science, because it worked! The ship made it through the ion barrier, and nothing terrible happened!

  Except the ship couldn’t…stop…spinning!

  “We’re clear, Baljeet!” Phineas said. “You can stop it spinning now!”

  “Unfortunately, I cannot!” Baljeet exclaimed. “We have lost all helm control!”

  “What?!” said Buford, who was surprisingly not doing any yo-yo tricks.

  “I do not understand,” Baljeet said. “It worked perfectly in Space Adventure!”

  The ship continued to spin as it brushed up against the atmosphere of the nearest planet.

  Inside, the kids and Dr. Doofenshmirtz (and presumably Agent P, who was still hiding) were tossed about the cabin.

  Phineas managed to get a look at one of the monitors and said, “Well, there is some good news! That planet we’re plummeting towards is Feebla-Oot…so we’re crashing right on target! We’re coming, Candace!”

  One crash later, the kids and Dr. Doofenshmirtz found themselves on the strange alien landscape of Feebla-Oot.

  “Look at all the damage!” Isabella said, walking around the ship. “We’re not getting anywhere in this spaceship.”

  “I am not sure how we will ever get back home,” Baljeet said sadly.

  Fortunately—and remarkably—Buford’s canoe was still intact.

  “We’ll figure out something,” Phineas said, trying to raise everyone’s spirits. “We always do! But the important thing is we have to find Candace and Vanessa. They’re counting on us!”

  “Maybe we should start by looking there,” Isabella said, pointing toward an imposing fortress ahead.

  “Good eye,” Phineas said. “I hate to think what Candace is going through in there. This must be the worst day of her life.”

  “This is the best day of my life!”

  Candace sat in a lounge chair right next to Super Super Big Doctor, eating tiny appetizers as aliens massaged her feet.

  “Stapler Fist there is my toughest guard,” Super Super Big Doctor said. “But boy, if he doesn’t give the finest foot massages.”

  Stapler Fist massaged Candace’s feet, then gave her an icy stare, awaiting her verdict.

  “The pressure is perfect, Mr. Fist.”

  Suddenly, Stapler Fist’s entire demeanor changed, and he became overjoyed. “OMG! The Chosen One spoke to me!” he said. “I can’t believe it. I’m so excited I could actually explode. Seriously, I could just—”

  Suddenly, there was a sound like someone with a really low voice saying “Candace!” and Stapler Fist’s top half exploded. Green goo splattered all over Candace.

  “Oh, geez, he just candaced all over me,” said an alien.

  “Ewwww,” said Candace.

  “Oh, don’t worry,” Super Super Big Doctor said, waving away Candace’s concern. “He’ll grow back.”

  An alien then escorted Stapler Fist’s still-walking legs toward the door.

 
; “Wow,” Candace said. “It really does sound like my name.”

  “It happens whenever they get excited,” Super Super Big Doctor explained. “Especially when they get free stuff. Birthdays here are a bloodbath. Now just relax. We’re gonna have a beautiful day.”

  While Candace enjoyed the best, most beautiful day of her life, Phineas, Ferb, and their friends trudged through a weird alien jungle.

  Sorry, forgot to mention Dr. Doofenshmirtz; he was there, too. But he’s not really a friend, right? More of an acquaintance.

  Oh, also Agent P. He was there, too, but following behind Phineas and Ferb so he wouldn’t be seen.

  “This way!” Isabella shouted. “The fortress is three klicks away.”

  “Wait a minute,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said, confused. “What’s a click? And who put you in charge, young lady? I’m the grown-up.”

  “Well, some people think I’m a natural leader,” Isabella replied. Then she unfurled her Fireside Girls sash, revealing dozens upon dozens of patches. There were patches for aquatic safety and aeronautics and shrimp-net repair and sap collecting and saying a word no one else in the room knows—and that was just for starters.

  Dr. Doofenshmirtz looked at the patches, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a card.

  “Well, but have you got…one of these?” he said, and showed the card to Isabella.

  “That’s a library card, and yes, I do.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter, because I’m the adult!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz insisted. “So step aside! Doof is in charge!”

  Dr. Doofenshmirtz looked around the jungle for a moment. He chose a direction and started to walk with authority as he glared at Isabella.